This video was posted almost a month ago. I’m aware that this is delayed and that this is a second Introduction to this website. I know.
As I’ve mentioned a couple times now, I’ve been on the internet playing around with making a “mark” or having a “space” on the internet but I’ve never been consistent. I also feel that I built up a slight persona of being snarky and a little manic. To be truthful, that is a little bit a part of me. Actually a lot of me. If you followed my Tumblr circa 2012 you know too much. Some of you did so I know you know.
However, there’s also the side that spends way too much time alone and thrives in doing that. I identify with the definition of introvert because I find social interaction overwhelming at times and can’t always be myself around other people. Even when I’m around the people I’m completely comfortable with, I can’t fully expose the inner workings of my head. I also have a need to feel understood and am highly aware that people need to “learn the language” of how I express myself, because that manic side of me causes a lot of incoherent emotions and explanations. In the past, instead of using the internet as a platform to expose part of that more serious introspective side, I used it to expand the exposure of the side that comes out when I’m trying to still figure things out about how I feel or how I process things. Which, by the way, is sarcastic and a little glib. Or trying real hard to be funny while serious issues are occurring in the background.
Painting is one of the things that helps me process. No, I’m not the best out there, but that’s not the point. There’s validity to art therapy and it being a tool to help find clarity or center yourself. That’s what I want the focus of these videos to be. The paintings won’t always be coherent or even related to the topic at hand. The subject matter of a painting isn’t always related to the inner thoughts that occur when people paint in general, and that’s definitely the case for me. One time in the throws of feeling an intense adoration for someone I painted a deformed girl who was crying blood. I felt a lot of joy but that painting gave people nightmares. I’m just saying. That painting is no longer in existence, but that’s the most extreme example I can think of right now.
So, this website is almost how I need it to be to feel comfortable. I have a few ideas brainstormed and few paintings already completed to actually have content. This whole thing is me challenging myself to get over my need for “perfection” and to work on the one outlet that allows me to feel as much myself as I can.
To anyone that read all of this, thank you.